Surviving Sons
by Ster J
Summary: Kirk shares with Spock as only survivors can.


Title: Surviving Sons

Author: Ster Julie

Codes: AOS; K, S; angst

Rating: [PG]

Part one of one

Summary: Kirk shares with Spock as only survivors can.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I just play with them nicely and return them in good condition.

Archive: Yes, but only where I post this.

Author's Notes:

1. This is written in dialogue only. There are enough context clues to identify the speakers.

2. Three ellipses (…) indicate a pause.

3. Thank you to the Vulcan Language Dictionary for the use of one word.

4. This is story is written on the first anniversary of my mother's death. She slipped quietly into tomorrow with a smile after a life of loving service. I still see her in my sisters' eyes, their belly laughs, their work ethic, and by the big ol' swooping wave in my hair. I love you, Mom, and I carry you in my heart always.

--ooOoo--

Spock, I need to talk to someone.

Wouldn't Dr. McCoy be a better choice, Captain?

No, because as my CMO he'd feel obligated to write a report.

What makes you think that _I_ will not write a report?

Because I think I can trust you on this, Spock, as one surviving son to another.

Oh.

So, can we talk? We are already speaking, Captain.

No. If we are to do this, you're gonna _have _to call me "Jim."

But…

No buts. I'll order you if I have to, you know.

Understood. I believe the next questions should be, "My place or yours?"

You _do_ play attention to us lowly Humans, don't you! I'd rather speak in my quarters, if you don't mind. C'mon in. Here. Have a drink.

What is this beverage?It's beer. If you don't want it, I'll drink it.

Alcohol?

Yes, Spock. Alcohol. It's traditional beverage for a wake.

It there a purpose to drinking alcohol at a … a …

Wake, Spock, and yes there is. Just follow my lead. Raise your glass like this. To absent parents. Now, touch your glass to mine and take a drink.

I …

Well?

An intriguing beverage with a complexity of flavors.

Glad you liked it. Now, have a seat.

Thank you, Jim.

… You know, Spock, it's still so hard, even after all these years. I heard it all my life--"Your father was a great man. Your father was brave. He saved all those people. He gave his life for you." Blah, blah, blah.

But if he hadn't, you would not be here today--

--missing him, feeling like crap because I can't tell him that I followed in his shoes, that I became a Starfleet officer, a captain of a starship! I can't tell him any of that because Nero took him out the day I was born. I have no memories of him to warm me, no images of us together, no words of wisdom to carry me through the tough moments.

Do you not believe in an afterlife?

Nah. I'm an existentialist.* One thing my childhood taught me was depend on yourself because nobody is going to help you. … I often wonder what kind of man I would have been had my dad survived, if I didn't have to grow up with that sonovabitch stepfather who loved to beat the crap out of me every time Mom was away. Would I have this I-don't-care-if-I-live-or-die sense of adventure? Or is it a death wish? My god, I can't be that way anymore! I have 430 lives to answer for now.

Jim, you are a survivor. All that you have experienced in the past has shaped the man you have become.

But couldn't I have been a better man, Spock, a less bitter man, had my dad lived? Your older self said that in his timeline Dad was there when I took command of the _Enterprise_. My dad will never know that.

You have a brother, yes?

Yeah. Sam.

Was he able to attend your ceremony?

No. He and his wife Aurelan just moved to Deneva.

Have you told him, Jim?

Nah. He'll probably read up on the whole deal in the newsvids.

Call him, Jim. Tell him you "took out" the person responsible for the death of your father, that you are in command of the _Enterprise_. I am certain that Sam would be just as proud as your father.

It wouldn't be the same, Spock.

… Jim, have you ever ritualized your grief? Have you ever had a service for your father?

I was too little to attend his funeral, if that's what you mean.

So you have never told him goodbye.

How can I tell him goodbye when I never had to chance to say hello?

Jim, you still need closure. And as you stand on the threshold of a new life with your first command, I believe this would be the perfect time to take your leave of the past.

What do you suggest, Spock?

The Sacred Three ceremony.

The Sacred Three?

What was, what is and what will be. It could mean the Past, the Present and the Future, or the Ancestors, the Survivors, and the Descendants. It reminds us that we are never separated from those who have gone before us, and that we will one day know and be known by those who come after us. We learn from the ancestors, and our lives are lessons for the descendants.**

What do I have to do, Spock?

You may watch, Jim, and if you feel so inclined, you may participate. Just follow my lead.

What is that?

It is a small brass brazier.

You carry that around with you, Spock?

I was on my way to the observation lounge to do this ceremony when you called me, Jim.

Oh. Sorry.

Quite alright. Now, I am choosing three grains of incense to place on the ember.

Like this?

Yes. … This grain represents my mother, my gratitude for her loving guidance, her encouragement and acceptance.

This grain represents my father. For one minute we share existing in the universe together. It's in memory of his dedication to save Mom, me, and the 800 others of his crew. You know, in that minute, he asked about me, how I looked and about what Mom should name me. He told Mom how much he loved her. Mom must have told me that story a hundred times, about how brave Dad was, and about how brave we all had to be without him.

… The second grain acknowledges the grief I bear because of Mother's loss, the raw gaping wound of it.

This grain represents my grief that I have allowed to fester all of my life because I didn't think I could say goodbye to someone I never had the chance to meet.

… The third grain reminds me to keep Mother alive in me and in those who come after me by passing on her wisdom, her guidance and her encouragement.

This … this grain … I can't do it. I can't do this, Spock.

It's alright, Jim. You do not have to vocalize it.

How can I keep Dad's memory alive if I have no memories of him?

You can pass down the story of an incredibly brave and honorable man. You can live following his example.

By sacrificing my life?

By not accepting a no-win scenario, by continuing to beat back death. By teaching others to look for alternatives and apply creative thinking.

… I don't know if I can do that, Spock.

You already have, Jim. … Place the third grain.

… For you, Dad. I hope I'll be even half as brave as you. I promise … I promise to keep your values alive and teach others through my actions. … Now what, Spock?

Now wave your hand three times over the bowl like this, gathering some of the smoke.

Okay.

Now bring your hand to your forehead and close your eyes. Think about what you said over the grains of incense, as well as what you left unsaid. When you have finished, open your eyes.

…

Goodbye, Dad. … What the … ?

Just hold me, Jim, and let me hold you.

You okay, Spock? … Spock?

I will be. … I almost had her, Jim. She was just centimeters from my fingertips.

If you had grabbed her hand, we would have lost you, too, Spock.

We don't know that, never _will_ know that.

You know, Spock, you can't, _I _can't dwell on "if only" and "what if." What is, is. What happened, happened. We accept it and we move on.

_Kaiidth._

Huh?

_Kaiidth. _What is, is. … I didn't know you knew Vulcan philosophy.

Neither did I. … Uh-oh, we set off the smoke detector. Kirk to bridge. Shut off the alarm to my quarters. Everything is under control. Kirk out. … Well, so much for our ritual.

It is nearly complete. Here. To absent parents.

To absent parents. … You certainly adapt quickly, Spock.

Something I inherited from my mother. … How do you feel, Jim?

I feel … I feel like I grew up today, Spock. Like I grew up. Goodnight, my friend.

Sleep peacefully, my friend.

END

***existentialism-- **philosophical movement centered on individual existence: a philosophical movement begun in the 19th century that denies that the universe has any intrinsic meaning or purpose. It requires people to take responsibility for their own actions and shape their own destinies. Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

**Shameless plug for my story AFTER THE CREDITS The Man Trap found here: .net/secure/story/story_edit_?storyid=2651209/1/


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